Sometimes it is the events of life that make you stop and take accounting of your life…makes you think of those times that you remember fondly, those whom you hold close, and those whose presence you sorely miss. In the last few months a good business friend and a close family member passed away, both at an age much, much earlier than they should have. As a death of a friend or a loved one tends to do, it leaves a hole in either your life or in a person whom you love and cherish. But in the end, it’s the dignity with which they lived their life or the ability to live with the struggles that they faced that makes you remember them fondly and miss them dearly.
It is these recent events of my family’s life that made me stop for a moment and think about a couple of people who were very important in my life….2 people whose presence I sorely miss and both for different reasons. Each left a very distinctive mark in my life and it is their kindness, or their struggles, that taught me some very valuable lessons. The first was my Father-in-Law…..
Bill Kinder
I can still remember the very first time I met Bill. I had been dating Debbie (my wife) for approximately 2 months and I think she finally decided I had passed the first series of those awkward boyfriend yes/boyfriend no tests that are always played out between potential couples. She invited me to go with her to meet her parents on a warm Sunday evening, I can only assume to see if I passed that most important test of all, “affirmation from the girl’s Father”. (We men all know that no guy is ever good enough for our “little girls”).
I will admit to being highly nervous about the whole event. A guy can never be sure that he will make a good enough impression on a Father and trust me, in my dating life (beginning in High School) my batting average with Dads wasn’t that good.
I picked Debbie up at her place late that afternoon and we headed over to her parents house. We got out of the car and headed up the driveway to the front door. Her Mom greeted us at the front door, gave Debbie a hug, and gave me the acknowledgement that I am sure was just a cordial attempt to let me know I was OK thus far, but far from “affirmed”. Once inside, I was introduced to the man who would have as profound an effect on my life as any other man I have known.
Funny how in just the first few moments of meeting someone you can get good feelings…and know that you share something in common. Bill was (until I came in) watching the Kansas City Royals fumble their way to yet another defeat. By that time of the season the Royals were pretty much out of the pennant race, so I could tell that Bill (like me) was a true fan because he still watched the games. Bill shook my hand and motioned for me to join him on the couch. While Debbie and her mom adjourned to another room to chat, Bill and I made small talk about the Royals and the game. Interspersed with the chat about the Royals, Bill would throw in a question about where I worked, where I lived, and ask me a little bit about my family. Oddly, it never really felt like an inquisition….more like a way to get to know me. We found we both shared a lot of things in common. We both grew up in very small towns, loved fishing, and were avid sports fans (mainly the Chiefs and Royals). We sat and talked for 2 hours, but it seemed like just a few minutes, just like it should be when you are among friends. When Debbie finally mentioned that we should go since we both had to be at work early the next day, I was brought back to the reality that I had pretty much ignored her (not a good thing to do with a new girlfriend) since we arrived. I was a bit worried that I would hear about it on the way to take her home, but was pleasantly surprised that she was happy that her Father and I had gotten along so well in our first meeting. Little did I know, but that night was a turning point for me….you see, not only had I won the girl, I had gained a friend….and one that would become the Father figure I had been seeking all my life.
Visits to Debbie’s parents became a regular event for us. Although we had not gotten serious….well she hadn’t gotten serious….we would spend every Sunday after church at her parents house having Sunday lunch. Usually, Debbie and her mom would talk or head off to the Mall to shop while Bill and I parked ourselves on the couch and watched ballgames or movies. When football season came around Sunday afternoon was “guy time” as we watched our Chiefs find a way, week after week, to lose.
I remember the first time Bill and I went fishing. We had chatted about doing it sometime…but never got around to setting a time. Bill had a buddy he always went fishing with pretty regularly, but one day he asked if I wanted to go with him that Saturday. I jumped at the chance….then asked what time he wanted me to come over. He said, “well, I usually leave here around 5 AM, so I can get some good fishing time in before all the boaters take over the lake”. I said, “sure I’m game” all the while thinking about how I was going to lose precious sleep time on a weekend.
Saturday came, and I drug myself out of bed….made my way over to Bill’s house and waited outside beside his boat. It had been a long time since I had fished (something I loved as a young boy) and I was feeling a little odd. Bill came out shortly after I arrived and we loaded the truck and headed to the lake. Once we arrived it took only a few minutes to launch the boat and for Bill to park the truck. We soon headed out to a part of the cove where Bill said he had the best luck a few days before. I wasn’t sure of the “protocol” for fishing…would we sit for a while and if nothing bit, would we move? Oddly, I think Bill sensed I was at a loss and said….”you know, the best thing about fishing isn’t whether or not you catch anything big, it’s the enjoyment of relaxing and watching the sun come up. “ And to me, that summed up Bill Kinder in every aspect of his life….it wasn’t about “catching the big one”, it was all about enjoying the little things in life.
I think from that day on we became more than just Father-in-law/Son-in-law. There wasn’t anything it seemed like he couldn’t do, from painting, to electrical work, to plumbing to car repair. Whenever I needed help with something, Bill would drop what he was doing, come over and, with the patience of Job, guide me thru the process of learning a new task.
It was Bill that first got me into helping him drive the Church Van on Sunday morning to pick up a group of ladies in our church on Sunday morning. When he first asked me I was a bit hesitant, not sure of how much I would enjoy getting up a littler earlier on Sunday and arriving home later after church. Not surprisingly I came to greatly love the task for a couple of reasons…first because it gave Bill and I “alone time” before church each Sunday, and second because those dear sweet ladies reminded me so much of the ladies I had grown up with in Mosby.
I came to know and love Bill like the Father I had always dreamed of having, and depended a great deal on his wisdom and humility to keep my life’s ship righted. And when I was struggling I could always count on him to impart sage words to remind me that I was not alone…that sometimes a man is never as tall as when he is on his knees in prayer.
I had always known that Bill had struggled with heart problems brought on by diabetes. But he always seemed to be one step ahead of his physical ailments and would seem to bounce back to being himself. But the human body is a fickle thing, and sometimes even the greatest warriors cannot overcome physical struggles. The last few years of his life were mixed with hospital visits, surgeries, and medicines but never once did I hear him complain. He would always remind me that there was always someone worse off than he. He would say…
”I have lived a full and wonderful life, I have seen the many wonders of God and shared good times with friends. I have seen my girls grow up to be women…I have seen my grandson and granddaughter…and I have been loved by my best friend. God has graced me and there are better men than me that have seen less”
I struggle to remember his last few months at time….mostly because, for me, they were an end I dreaded. Our family had moved out of state for my job, and most of our talks were by phone. The kids were still young, so Debbie was able to travel and visit regularly and went home as often as she could.
I remember being at work when I got the call from Debbie…she said her Dad had been taken to the hospital, and the Dr’s were saying he would probably not be going home. His heart, strong that it may have been at one time, was fading. I grabbed the first plane out of town and arrived as quickly as possible. I stayed at the house watching the children as Debbie, her Mom, and her sisters kept vigil at his bedside. The day before he passed away Debbie and her Mom came home long enough to watch the kids so I could see Bill…and to this day I can barely talk about it without shedding a tear.
I walked into his hospital room unsure, not knowing what to say or even how to act. And like always Bill immediately put me at ease…we chatted small talk like we always did, the Royals and the Chiefs, and fishing. We laughed, we cried…we reminisced. Before I left he said:
“Mark…I want you to know how much I have always loved you as a son. I could not be prouder to have known you and had you as the husband of my daughter and the Father of my grandchildren. I can leave this place comforted that you will be here to take care of Debbie and the kids, and watch out for Regenia. “
Those were the last words that he spoke to me. I hugged Bill, turned and left the room. I walked outside to the car and sat there crying for what seemed an eternity.
Bill passed away early the next morning. Like all families we went thru the normal grieving processes, and settled into what was to be our life without our rock. But there was one last message Bill had left for us…a legacy of his persona that sits framed on a shelf in our house. It was a letter written by Bill as he lay in the hospital bed in his last days. It was entitled “I Am Thankful For” and was a loving reminder of just who he was and how he lived. I post it here today to let you see a glimpse of the man who in his last days had the heart that most long to have…..
I AM THANKFUL FOR
GOD, who loved me enough to send his son into a sinful world to die on a cruel cross for a sinner like me
FOR Jesus who was willing to suffer shame
FOR the CHURCH
FOR the Elders, Deacons, and Preachers
FOR the women who support their men in the good works
FOR Jesus and his CHURCH
FOR each member who loves the CHURCH
FOR financial support that GOD’s word may continue to save the lost
FOR those who give time to teach the word
FOR leaders who show the way, always there everyday
FOR deacons who teach, love others, mow the grass, feed the hungry, teach a class, greet the lost and help a child to grow
FOR the country where worshipping God is without fear
FOR my forefathers who died to keep my land free
FOR my children and grandchildren and the joy they bring me
FOR my wife who loved me through good and bad, richer and poorer, sickness and health
Thank you FATHER, SON, HOLY SPIRIT for your Love, Mercy, Forgiveness, Grace, the Word, a Guide to live by
With Love and Humility
BILL KINDER
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss having him around…and long for his gentle wisdom to guide me thru the tougher moments. I only hope that when I depart this world that people will see in me those characteristics that I cherished most in Bill.
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